Problems with children? Fights with girlfriends? Difficulty coping with life? To
give you a hand on Affaritaliani.it "Letters to the psychologist," the
book to serve its citizens held by Dr. Rolando Tavolieri, clinical
psychologist and psycho-diagnostic of the "counseling center" of Rome. To contact our specialist help and advice and write to: lettereallopsicologo@affaritaliani.it
REQUEST
Dear Dr. Tavolieri,
I read with interest and participation in the e-book which many readers are turning to issues related to the sphere of the family and especially for what regards the relationship with their children. I find it very balanced as well as his professional opinion and for this reason I decided to write these lines in the hope that she can help me solve an issue that grips me and weighs me down for about three years.
I'm 39 years old, married with two beautiful children and 8, which I call my angels, 3 and 6 years. I have a good wife, beautiful, generous who is always dedicated to the children and me without reservation. About three years ago I gradually fell in love with a woman, beautiful, my age, who also married with two children. We fell in love and since then constantly want to be with her, beside her, spend time with her. In short, everything to do with her. Wishes and feelings fully paid. For nearly two years she was separated from her husband because, apart from problems in being the first of our report, has clearly said to be in love with another man and therefore can not give anything to the person who until then was next. At the same time I confessed to my wife I'm in love with another woman because I could not, or perhaps did not want to, hide this feeling but I wanted to live it in all its fullness. I left the house and during this period, I deepened my understanding and relationship with this woman. I felt good, finally after years I could give love to a woman. Then start the contrasts for the children, harassment, feelings of guilt: I returned home especially for my children while still trying to figure out if it was an infatuation or true love to finish my first marriage. I confess that when I was home I was only thinking about her constantly. And when I missed I was not with her, there was bad. Then after the summer holidays when we met again, we visited again and I realized I could no longer live without this woman. But here is my problem, I live constantly contrasting emotional states due to the pleasure and add to the need to live this love and the pain that I could give my wife but also my children with a father who would be part-time. My wife has long since resigned because, first confessed to my report, had not seen demonstrations of affection and love towards him. A report in fact tired. And if I think of the sad face of my children to the news that his father does not always fall into disarray and cool and tell myself that I can not do it. They are very attached and present with them, I also need them and want to be present. My wife, who has forgiven me, but says that I can not stay home just for children. I think he's right, I would make her happy because she has the right to close a stingy person who loves, she has the right to live love. But I love that I can not give it, I can only give it to the woman he fell in love, which constantly seek his hands, embrace, and gently force, the desire, even at night.
I hope it is not bored but I really need help, I do not want to hurt people dear to me. I also tried to remove this woman from me and from my mind. But I could not and still see it, want it, I'm fine with her and I miss him and I'm bad when it is not with me. I'm in love with her sometimes I think even to an obsession. And when I know that is not seen at home or even just some friends I'm wrong. I do not want to lose it.
But when I think of my children the world falls on me. Please help me.
Alexander, Prato
RESPONSE
Dear Alexander,
When you fall in love with another woman, and as in your case you are married with 2 children, the first thing you should think about is:
And 'possible to live with another woman and continue to be a father with all the consequences and responsibilities that entails?
If your answer is yes, you can try to keep your relationship, but if your answer is no, you will need to make a choice based on your "priority".
What are your priorities? And 'more important to you or the woman you love your children?
If I were to choose to stay with you or your children forever with those who choose to stay?
To find out what choice do not want you to feel guilty, you have to look good and some particular aspects of the situation. For example, here are the questions that you answer that you can make the right choice:
- Can you give "all" your children what they need even when you're with her? That is, you can be near him, to accompany them to nursery or school, to be around them when they are sick or when they ask you? Spending so much time with them even if you have your extramarital relationship? You see them happy and relaxed as if you were always with them?
- How is the dialogue and relationship with your wife? Sunny or tense? Acceptable or indifferent? The relationship you have with your wife in a negative affect on your children? In practice you see negative changes in your children due to your extra-marital and relationship history almost finished or completely finished with your wife? What do you think will bring long-term continuation of your relationship outside?
- Now imagine what can happen in the long term, in a broad span of time that can range from 5 to 20 years, as images that you can continue the relationship with your children on an emotional level, attachment to you, and psychological well-being than the relationship with their dad? See a positive relationship with your children or with some gaps?
- Finally, always thinking long term, be able to give happiness, security, confidence, affection to your children and complete a good example by continuing your relationship with that woman, or you think you could prevent a positive and healthy upbringing, and therefore affect the well-being of your children?
Make this discussion a long time, for several hours, answer the various questions that I presented above, put your answers in writing and then make your choice.
To get an idea of how it can continue your story, consider today if being with your woman, your relationships with children have changed or you find that everything has remained as before.
Think carefully when you are alone, put everything in writing and then make your choice.
One advice I can give you is to always put primary emphasis on the happiness and welfare of your children.
A cordial greeting
Dr. Rolando Tavolieri
www.ti-aiuto.comREQUEST
Dear Dr. Tavolieri,
I read with interest and participation in the e-book which many readers are turning to issues related to the sphere of the family and especially for what regards the relationship with their children. I find it very balanced as well as his professional opinion and for this reason I decided to write these lines in the hope that she can help me solve an issue that grips me and weighs me down for about three years.
I'm 39 years old, married with two beautiful children and 8, which I call my angels, 3 and 6 years. I have a good wife, beautiful, generous who is always dedicated to the children and me without reservation. About three years ago I gradually fell in love with a woman, beautiful, my age, who also married with two children. We fell in love and since then constantly want to be with her, beside her, spend time with her. In short, everything to do with her. Wishes and feelings fully paid. For nearly two years she was separated from her husband because, apart from problems in being the first of our report, has clearly said to be in love with another man and therefore can not give anything to the person who until then was next. At the same time I confessed to my wife I'm in love with another woman because I could not, or perhaps did not want to, hide this feeling but I wanted to live it in all its fullness. I left the house and during this period, I deepened my understanding and relationship with this woman. I felt good, finally after years I could give love to a woman. Then start the contrasts for the children, harassment, feelings of guilt: I returned home especially for my children while still trying to figure out if it was an infatuation or true love to finish my first marriage. I confess that when I was home I was only thinking about her constantly. And when I missed I was not with her, there was bad. Then after the summer holidays when we met again, we visited again and I realized I could no longer live without this woman. But here is my problem, I live constantly contrasting emotional states due to the pleasure and add to the need to live this love and the pain that I could give my wife but also my children with a father who would be part-time. My wife has long since resigned because, first confessed to my report, had not seen demonstrations of affection and love towards him. A report in fact tired. And if I think of the sad face of my children to the news that his father does not always fall into disarray and cool and tell myself that I can not do it. They are very attached and present with them, I also need them and want to be present. My wife, who has forgiven me, but says that I can not stay home just for children. I think he's right, I would make her happy because she has the right to close a stingy person who loves, she has the right to live love. But I love that I can not give it, I can only give it to the woman he fell in love, which constantly seek his hands, embrace, and gently force, the desire, even at night.
I hope it is not bored but I really need help, I do not want to hurt people dear to me. I also tried to remove this woman from me and from my mind. But I could not and still see it, want it, I'm fine with her and I miss him and I'm bad when it is not with me. I'm in love with her sometimes I think even to an obsession. And when I know that is not seen at home or even just some friends I'm wrong. I do not want to lose it.
But when I think of my children the world falls on me. Please help me.
Alexander, Prato
RESPONSE
Dear Alexander,
When you fall in love with another woman, and as in your case you are married with 2 children, the first thing you should think about is:
And 'possible to live with another woman and continue to be a father with all the consequences and responsibilities that entails?
If your answer is yes, you can try to keep your relationship, but if your answer is no, you will need to make a choice based on your "priority".
What are your priorities? And 'more important to you or the woman you love your children?
If I were to choose to stay with you or your children forever with those who choose to stay?
To find out what choice do not want you to feel guilty, you have to look good and some particular aspects of the situation. For example, here are the questions that you answer that you can make the right choice:
- Can you give "all" your children what they need even when you're with her? That is, you can be near him, to accompany them to nursery or school, to be around them when they are sick or when they ask you? Spending so much time with them even if you have your extramarital relationship? You see them happy and relaxed as if you were always with them?
- How is the dialogue and relationship with your wife? Sunny or tense? Acceptable or indifferent? The relationship you have with your wife in a negative affect on your children? In practice you see negative changes in your children due to your extra-marital and relationship history almost finished or completely finished with your wife? What do you think will bring long-term continuation of your relationship outside?
- Now imagine what can happen in the long term, in a broad span of time that can range from 5 to 20 years, as images that you can continue the relationship with your children on an emotional level, attachment to you, and psychological well-being than the relationship with their dad? See a positive relationship with your children or with some gaps?
- Finally, always thinking long term, be able to give happiness, security, confidence, affection to your children and complete a good example by continuing your relationship with that woman, or you think you could prevent a positive and healthy upbringing, and therefore affect the well-being of your children?
Make this discussion a long time, for several hours, answer the various questions that I presented above, put your answers in writing and then make your choice.
To get an idea of how it can continue your story, consider today if being with your woman, your relationships with children have changed or you find that everything has remained as before.
Think carefully when you are alone, put everything in writing and then make your choice.
One advice I can give you is to always put primary emphasis on the happiness and welfare of your children.
A cordial greeting
Dr. Rolando Tavolieri
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